Contents · 8 parts
Making friends as an adult is hard for almost everyone. School and university hand you a ready-made group of people you see every day; adult life rarely does. When you are autistic, have ADHD or are highly sensitive, the usual routes (after-work drinks, loud parties, friends of friends) can feel even less accessible, and it is easy to conclude that friendship is simply “not for you”.
It is not. Most neurodivergent adults who feel isolated are not short of warmth or loyalty; they are short of settings that suit the way they work. This guide is about finding those settings, turning a pleasant encounter into an actual friendship, and protecting your energy along the way. If you first want to understand why friendships can be harder for atypical people, we look at that in a separate article.
Start with what you need, not with what you “should” do
Before looking for people, it helps to be honest about the kind of social life you actually want. Some people want one or two close friends and nothing more; others enjoy belonging to a wider group they see from time to time. Neither is better.
A few questions can guide you:
- How many people at once? One-to-one, a small group of three or four, or a larger group where you can stay on the edges?
- Which environments drain you? Noise, bright light, crowds, unpredictable timing? Which ones feel calm?
- What do you enjoy talking about, or doing, without effort? That is usually where friendships start.
- How much social time per week is sustainable? An honest answer prevents the cycle of overcommitting, then disappearing.
These answers are not limitations to hide. They are a map: they tell you where to look and what to propose.
Where to look, depending on your interests
Friendships rarely grow out of one big social event. Friendship mostly takes time spent together: a study asking “How many hours does it take to make a friend?” found that closeness grows with the hours people share (Hall, 2019). In practice, that means joining something regular, around a topic you care about.
- If you love games or puzzles: board game cafés, chess clubs, tabletop role-playing groups, escape-room meetups.
- If you love learning: evening classes, language exchanges, book clubs, science or history societies, public lectures followed by a drink.
- If you prefer doing to talking: hiking groups, climbing gyms, community gardens, repair cafés, volunteering. Working side by side takes the pressure off eye contact and small talk.
- If you are creative: choirs, drawing sessions, writing workshops, amateur theatre or music groups.
- If you have a special interest: there is almost certainly a club, a forum or a server devoted to it. People who share an intense interest tend to welcome intensity.
The activity does two jobs: it gives you something to talk about, and it gives you a reason to come back. After three or four sessions, faces become familiar, and familiarity is the soil friendship grows in.
From a nice conversation to a real friendship
The step many people find hardest is the one in the middle: you get on well with someone at the club, but nothing happens outside it. Most adults wait for the other person to suggest something, so often nobody does. Taking the initiative is not pushy; it is usually a relief for the other person.
Keep the first invitation small, specific and easy to decline:
- “I enjoyed talking about [topic] last week. Would you like to grab a coffee before the next session?”
- “I'm going to [exhibition, market, talk] on Saturday afternoon. Want to come along?”
- “Would you be up for a walk sometime this week? I think better when I'm moving.”
If the answer is no, a single follow-up a few weeks later is fine (“No worries! Let me know if you'd like to do something another time”). After that, let the other person come back to you. A friendship that needs constant chasing is not the friendship you are looking for.
Once you have met a couple of times, a light rhythm helps: a message when you see something that reminds you of them, a regular activity you do together, a standing date once a month. Many neurodivergent people find it easier to keep in touch when the contact is predictable.
Managing your social energy
For many autistic, ADHD and highly sensitive people, social time costs more energy than it seems to cost others: processing conversation, filtering noise, monitoring how you come across. That cost is real, and planning for it is part of making friendships last.
- Plan recovery time after social plans, especially new ones.
- Choose the setting: suggest a quiet café, a walk or an activity rather than a crowded bar. Most people are happy to go along with a clear proposal.
- Set an end time: “I'm free from 2 to 4pm” makes it easier to say yes, and easier to leave without awkwardness.
- Say what you need, briefly and without apologising: “I'm sensitive to noise, could we sit outside?” A good friend will not mind.
If anxiety, rather than fatigue, is what stops you from going out, it may help to read our article on social anxiety and what eases it. When anxiety seriously limits your life, talking to a qualified professional is a good step.
Online friendships count too
Friendships that start online are not second-class friendships. For many neurodivergent people, writing is a more comfortable way to get to know someone: you can take time to answer, reread, and skip the noise of a busy room. Forums, group chats and servers around a shared interest have given many people their closest friends.
The same principles apply: regular contact, shared interests, and a gradual move to more personal conversations. When you feel ready, a video call or a meeting in a public place can bring the friendship into everyday life. And if you never move it offline, that is your choice to make.
Looking for people who work like you
We tend to make friends with people who resemble us in some way, and many neurodivergent adults find that friendships with other neurodivergent people feel easier: fewer unwritten rules, more direct communication, more tolerance for intensity and silence. Our article on why neurodivergent people often attract each other explores this. If you are autistic, our guide on how to make friends as an autistic adult goes further, with example messages.
That does not mean you can only be friends with neurodivergent people. It means that, when you are tired of explaining yourself, it is worth seeking out at least some spaces where you do not have to.
What Atypikoo offers for friendship
Atypikoo is a social network for gifted, highly sensitive and neurodivergent adults. You can say on your profile that you are looking for friendship, love, or both, and describe your traits and interests so that people with a similar way of functioning can find you. Matchikoo suggests profiles based on shared traits, and the talks let you discuss topics that matter to you before meeting anyone. Members also organise events and outings in some cities: check what exists near you, and if there is nothing yet, a small group around a shared interest is a good place to start.
No platform can guarantee friendships. What a well-chosen space can do is make the first steps less tiring, because you do not have to pretend to be someone else to take them.
Friendship as an adult is built slowly, one familiar face at a time. Start with one regular activity, one small invitation, and give yourself the right to go at your own pace.
References
- Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278-1296. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225
